Look At My iPhone! Look At It!

September 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

Right around this time last year I was trying to blog regularly for rochesterbuzz.com.  It’s part of my job, right? Well, what I didn’t realize then, and more than realize now, is that blogging is tough.  It can be time consuming, and to be honest, I don’t consider myself a very good writer.  There are far more intelligent people out there who have more important points-of-view than mine, right?

It was with that thought in mind that I came up with the whole “Guest Blogger Friday” concept.  You want to say something? Let me hear it! Through this experience I had the chance to meet some extraordinary individuals, whom as I predicted, were better writers and of a superior intellect.  One of our guests was Adam Lynch, whom I had always had fun exchanging dialogue with via Twitter.

I want to share Adam’s piece again today because, it’s a.) timely and b.) thought provoking.  I think it was Louis CK who recently said, “Everything’s amazing and nobody is happy!” when the topic of technology came up in an interview.  These devices have changed us to be sure.  But isn’t it a bit childish to have a phone act as a symbol of status?  The rush to the Apple store a week from today reminds me of the rush crazy parents will endure to snag that hot toy for Christmas.  Silly.

So take a moment and enjoy some perspective from the archives:

I’d bang an iPhone
Today, we’re going to talk about lust. The sort of lust that drives seemingly regular folks to knock on the doorway of sheer Madness. One that tears friends apart, ruins relationships, and ends careers.

Not simple lust for a woman or man, that Old Beast of song and story. It isn’t, sadly enough, a tale of deep-seated desire, one to play out in naked and quivering flesh every carnal fantasy you’ve ever had… No, dear reader… this blog entry is about iPhone lust.

If Danger doesn’t half-ass his posting of this (ed. note: I see what you did there.), this post will be live on the web on Friday, the last day of September. And within a few days, on October 4th, Apple will poop out unto the world their new iPhone, presumably the iPhone 5.

Which is odd, because according to the press, you’d think it’d been released already. Moreover, a friend at a local Verizon store says that everyone is already asking for it, and the local Apple Store is a hot-bed for iPhone 5-wanting nutjobs. Perfectly sane folks are already telling me that they “can’t wait” to buy the new iPhone, even though they:

  • Don’t know what it will cost.
  • Don’t know what makes it new or better than the last one.
  • Don’t know what it looks like.
  • Have a perfectly functional and brand-new iPhone 4 already.

I’m sure it’ll download your oddly-specific brand of freaky imported Eastern European porn even faster than any iPhone did before, and display their heavily airbrushed bodies in remarkable HD quality, all while delivering oddly off-sync moaning with crystal clear audio fidelity.

It’ll be your best friend, and it’ll be what keeps you awake at night when your spouse/significant other/dog/cat/body pillow/Justin Bieber cutout/anthropomorphic potato just doesn’t understand the troubles you face in life. You know, the sort of troubles that are faced by those living in a first-world country, where you have enough disposable income to afford a fancy cellphone that costs as much as it does to feed a few kids in Somalia… for an entire year.

Hell, it might even make calls. Maybe, that is, unless you’re on AT&T.

But lets all be dreamers, and imagine how awesome our lives will be on October 5th, the day after Apple tells us all what we should be using for our phones. Together as one, lets all share what we would like our lives to be, Pi5S (Post-iPhone 5 Sendoff).

It could happen…

Here’s mine: I want a unicorn. More specifically, a magical unicorn that shoots laser rainbows from its horn, and has the special ability to produce maple-cured bacon from the laughs of the little children who gaze upon its merry visage. Me and my bacon unicorn would ride around town, patrolling schoolyards for pedophiles, and then making tasty bacon for the cops who’d come and arrest them. Assuming they’re not busy giving “Mace in the face” to misguided 19-year old Wall Street-protesting co-eds. We’ve all got dreams, don’t we?

Now, how about you? What’re your dreams for Pi5S? Perhaps you’ll show your magical iPhone 5 off to your friends, family, coworkers, parole officer, or just random folks on the street. They’ll feign interest for a few minutes, then secretly hate your smug sense of self-satisfaction and self-importance.

Your dog will still sit around and want you to play with them outside- not Angry Birds in HD. Your wife will still wish you’d remember to take out the trash, or your anniversary; even though you can now enter every one of life’s smallest of events into its infinite amount of memory.

iPhone? How about a Ritz cracker?

So at the end of the day, you’ll still have a phone that does some cool stuff. And those starving kids the world over will still be hungry. But just as you lust for the latest and the greatest, tons of people are just lusting for the basics needed to survive.

The confessional part of this is that I have the same gadget lust that most of you folks have, bacon unicorns be damned. I do love Apple, and I work in the tech field, so I have to be up on the hottest technology in many areas. I’ve gotten better over the years with my tech acquisitions, and make sure I don’t buy anything that won’t last less than 2 years, as a matter of principle.

And yet, balancing my peacenik, bleeding-heart liberal/socialist beliefs with the all-powerful desire to CONSUME! is still tough. A few years back, I started setting aside extra money, roughly 30%, every time I wanted to buy a new gadget – phone, TV, e-reader, tablet, laptop, digital camera, etc… And then I’d donate that 30% to a charity, before I bought the gadget.

Ideally, I’d donate 100% of what I spent, but I’m not rich. Please, I live in Rochester. I live modestly- good booze, good food, and beautiful women are my real vices. 30% is a good compromise, I think.

Thus far, the UN World Food Programme, Charity Water, International Red Cross, Doctors Without Borders, and a few others have all gotten checks from me. And it feels great.

So why bring this up, and be Debbie Downer? Because I know a ton of you people will be knuckle-dragging your way to buy an iPhone 5 as soon as it hits a shelf. And you’ll probably feel a bit odd after, if you have any sort of brain left after flipping through the App Store at blazing speed. Here’s some local suggestions as to how to feel *even better* after you get that new iPhone:

  • Did you spend $300 on that shiny new iPhone 5 at the Apple Store in Eastview Mall? Use Google Maps to navigate to LollypopFarm, and give them $50, on the spot.
  • Gotta buy all-new cases and protective jackets for you new Precious, to keep it from the elements? The SalvationArmyofRochester provides winter coats for families who can’t afford them, and the Rochester weather is getting colder.
  • iPhones need juice, so you’ll need a few extra chargers. Know what also needs juice? Rochester’s homeless. Make a donation to the OpenDoorMission.
  • iPhones need to be fed iTunes Store credits on a regular basis. Rochester’s working poor also need to be fed. Foodlink is an amazing group that always needs more assistance.

Do any of those, and I promise you’ll feel like a million bucks. And I promise you: you can afford to donate. How do I know this? Two reasons: One, you bought an iPhone, when you could have paid a lot less for another phone; and two, this radio station has a set of very precise results from intensive market research, and they already know your likely socio-economic background.

You can feel smug in owning a shiny new iPhone 5, and even more smug knowing you did something that legitimately helped someone in need. Damned if I know a better way to feel self-righteous.

iPhone lust can be a good thing. Putting it in perspective is even better.

F*cking look at it!

Adam is a ginger who works as a technology consultant. He resides in the city with a large dog. He enjoys deep conversations, episodic dramas, and long walks on the beach.