My Twitter pal Ben Davis sent me an unsettling reminder this morning.
Never has a product been more appropriately named. I see a woman wearing a pair and the only thought that crosses my mind is, “Ugh.”
I like to think my hatred of these abominations has been well documented, but this is a new forum and a potentially new audience, so a review is in order.
“They’re comfortable!” “Oh they’re so warm though!” “All the celebrities are wearing them!” are all defenses heard when displeasure in Uggs is vocalized. Let’s break it down:
Comfort? Women of America, screw comfort. Look hot. A cool pair of sneakers are just as comfortable and not nearly as damaging to the eyes.
Warmth? 90% of the women I see wearing Uggs complete their ensemble with a short skirt or tights. Worried about warmth? Start by wearing legitimate clothing. Cheese and rice. Here’s a visual for you: Puffy North Face jacket, tights, oversized sunglasses and Ugg boots. There. I just described the wardrobe of every college girl in America.
And spare me the idolization of the most vacant minds in our country. The celebu-tards who rock Uggs at Sundance are clinging to whatever sense of pretentiousness they can. Their only marketable worth is their sexuality and the only thing they want is alignment with their next project. Luring a dorky director/producer with this look is easier than luring a predator with cookies and underage sex.
Some harsh realities are in order, ladies. These boots make you appear white trash. Not just your normal white trash. We’re talking an eviction-notice-while-creditrors-call-multiple-times-per-day-forcing-you-to-turn-tricks-in-the-hope-of-landing-a-guy-with-a-leased-Harley type of white trash. Any man with a modicum of taste recognizes Uggs as boner kryptonite and sounds the mental alarm begging the question: how many venereal diseases has this trollop been exposed to?
As we head into cold weather season, please remember that 5 pounds of sheep skin wrapped around your ankles is not attractive. The only thing that could possibly be more hideous is the usage of Uggs equally repulsive Summer cousin, Crocs (another level of Hell that sears my insides).
Full disclosure: The author of this piece broke down last year and purchased a pair of Uggs for his wife on her birthday. I’m nothing if not a tinge hypocritical.