Dear Kevin James,
I recently caught the trailer for your upcoming motion picture “Here Comes The Boom” and I’ve got to tell you, I’m terribly impressed. The story of a man, husky in build, clumsy in manner and looking for love, who attempts to take on the unhinged world of Mixed Martial Arts in order to save a school? Brilliant and original are the first words that come to mind! And the fact that your character has no prior fighting experience before accepting this challenge? Well, I’ve got to tell you, this screams modern day ‘Rocky’ to me! If I may dissect the trailer further, may I commend you on the choice of musical track? Black Eyed Peas “Boom Boom Pow” not only appeals to the general population, but it’s also a clever play on words (because the word ‘boom’ is in the movie’s title! Get it?)!
I wish I could pick my favorite role that you have selected through your long and prestigious career. How you didn’t earn a Best Supporting Actor nod for your work alongside Vince Vaughn (who is *so* gifted, by the way!) in “The Dilemma” is beyond me. In the world of Oscar snubs, it goes: Gary Oldman, DiCaprio and Kevin James if you want my opinion.
I bought “The Zookeeper” DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack! Those deleted scenes are a hoot! Honestly, after your role as Paul Blart: Mall Cop, I thought you had reached your professional zenith. But, whoa! Hold on, Hollywood! Kevin James won’t be typecast! Griffen Keyes has a heart, and wants nothing more than to win the affections of the seemingly unattainable damsel. It’s a good thing those talking zoo animals are there to provide assistance! Absolute genius!
And while we’re on the topic of lovable losers, Albert Brennaman in “Hitch” was simply adorable! I’m sure when your eyes read that script you recognized the opportunity to play a character (a man, husky in build, clumsy in manner, looking for love) that the audience would never expect out of you! And the scene where Will Smith (love him!) dismissively teaches you how to dance? Comedy gold, my friend! Comedy gold!
Lest we forget your versatility, I found your work as Larry in “I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry” to be edgy, daring and fresh. A straight man pretending to be gay in order to stick it to the man? Now, that’s a movie that’s as genuine as red, white, and blue! You bet I want extra butter on my popcorn!
I was beginning to worry that your recent workload was going to deny cinema connoisseurs of what they truly deserve. You can imagine my relief when I heard “Grown Ups 2″ is in production! I plan on wearing the “Grown Ups” trucker hat I won on a radio station prize wheel on opening night, my friend! Everyone in Hollywood wears trucker hats! I’m so devoted to you!
In closing, you are the the greatest comedic actor of our generation and it is my sincere hope that you continue to ‘wow’ the audience with your deluge of fantastic films! You look great, by the way. Do you have a trainer?