Facebook Is Truly Awful

January 28, 2013 at 1:07 pm
Because a "thumbs down" button isn't good enough anymore.

Because a “thumbs down” button isn’t good enough anymore.

It may be the largest social media site in the world.  Someday it could truly be your “one stop shop” on the Internet.  I don’t really care.  I’ve known it for some time, and you’ve probably suspected it as well…Facebook is truly awful.

I happened to comment on a high school classmate’s status the other day.  “I don’t remember you being so cynical,” he replied.   No kidding? Maybe it’s because we never spoke.

OH! Yes! I remember walking past you in the hall during 6th grade! Welcome to the day to day aspects of my life! I can’t be the only one who finds this a little unsettling, can I?

“Dear weight, I’m going to lose you if its the last thing I do! LOL.”  If that’s what you need to stay motivated, neighbor’s wife.  You won’t, by the way.

General consensus so far is that people are ready for Friday. Noted. Thanks, Facebook! You’re awesome!

Gosh, a lot of girls get hungry around 11:15 am every day. They also don’t really like working.

You’re dreading going to the gym, teller at my bank? Oh man, me too! I should respond with a thought…wait, how do you respond to that? Got it: “Me too!”

That’s your favorite Bible verse? Neat. Really.

Cold in Winter? You jest!

Cold in Winter? You jest!

Oh, you’re so bad. You had the cheeseburger at lunch today? Fascinating.

Surely none of your 311 friends give a shit that you think it’s really cold in the Midwest during January.

“The girl you haphazardly tossed a load into over 10 years ago has sent you a friend request.” Ignore.

2 month old baby just had a fit of explosive diarrhea? By all means, post a picture of the used diaper! Of course that filter captures the moment!

You DO look cute in that dress! There, I said it. Stop talking about your trip to the mall.

Squats killed you today? Rugged. All those photos of you with your shirt off don’t tell the whole story I guess.

“Date night tonight!” you say, girl who feigned interest in me at prom? Yes! Oh Lord, that’s your husband? He’s fatter and uglier than me! Yes!

You like salmon too? Sweet! I knew there was a reason why we sat next to each other in 10th grade English.

Mike Danger is now in a relationship with his left hand and it’s complicated.

Wedding plans are coming along? Good. We were all worried. Hell, its been 74 hours since you mentioned your wedding.

“Guns don’t kill people! People kill people!”  Wow.  Let’s fast track your argument to the White House.

You hate traffic, guy I played hockey against in high school? Well, we agree on that.

We go way back.

We go way back.

Mike Danger is now friends with Kate Upton: “Is this the real you? You’re hot.”

It was a miracle that you had a child, no question. I mean who else successfully has a baby anymore? Hourly updates? Great!

You “love your husband and children.”  That’s wonderful.   To me, you’ll always be that girl that had a train run on her junior year.

Man I’m getting old. I remember when that guy had his own identity instead of relating everything to that receptionist he married.

Mike Danger is a fan of “Receiving Blowjobs.” 2,547,327,692 people like this.

I wish I could tell you that I’m seeing improvements, but it’s not happening.  Now, if you don’t mind, it appears one of my elderly relatives has discovered the hilarity of “Some e-Cards.”  *clicks Hide…*