Did you watch the Oscars on Sunday? I did. Do you know what was missing from all of the pomp and circumstance? Eliza freaking Dushku.
Where you been hiding, sugar pop?
You know Affleck won on Sunday, right? Wasn’t he in “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” as well? Seems like your career paths aren’t exactly matching up. No worries, sweetness. I have a plan that is guaranteed to elevate you to a level where you belong. You’re elite. Let’s face it. Jennifer Lawrence may have won the night this year. Sure, she’s Katniss. But you’re Missy from “Bring It On.” I rest my case.
Step 1: Off Kirsten Dunst. There is no way this snaggle-toothed trollop deserves the roles she has landed. You know what would have made the original Spider Man franchise more enjoyable? Eliza Dushku as Mary Jane. So what if she gained acclaim alongside Pitt and Cruise in “Interview With The Vampire?” You were the daughter of Jamie Lee Curtis and The Terminator in “True Lies.” Scoreboard, bitches.
Step 2: Let’s talk about the proper pronunciation of your last name. Word on the street is it is pronounced dush-koo. Dush as in ‘push.’ We gotta allow some flexibility here, love bug. DOOSH-koo. Say it! It’s perfect. So memorable. I can totally hear Nicholson in my head, “And the Oscar goes to…Eliza DOOSH-koo. You still banging Rick Fox?” Which leads to…
Step 3: It feels like Rick Fox may be your anchor. Only 3 rings? Weak. Baggage in tow (kids)? You don’t have time for that! Philanthropy? Zzzzz. If I know one thing, it’s that the man who used to proudly nail Vanessa Williams (a 4) is not worthy of “The Doosh.” He did ‘Dancing With The Stars’ for Christ’s sake! We’ve got to aim higher, princess.
Step 4: Aggressive social media strategy. I see you’ve accumulated over a million Twitter followers. Not too shabby. I don’t mean to brag, but I have just over 3,600. How you have not amassed at least 1 billion followers leaves me at a loss for words. I can help. (Did I mention that I have just over 3,600 followers?) If you grant me access to your account, I will respond to every creep who asks to see more bikini/lingerie pics with a simple and to the point, “Bang someone.” There is no way this won’t go viral. “ELIZA DOOSHKOOO TOLD ME TO BANG SOMEONE!” resonates in my head. You’ll once again be the object of desire for boys/men who always believed you to be stuck up or unattainable. The merchandising upside is off the charts.
Step 5: Nickelback scrub. Your cameo in the video for Nickelback’s “Rockstar” (you look delicious, btw) isn’t doing you any favors. Don’t think I didn’t notice. You need to distance yourself from this project. There have been plenty of anti-Nickelback campaigns on the web. You need to get behind the cause for the sake of your career.
In summation, I know I speak for many of your fans when I say you’re the bees knees. Let’s collaborate and execute this plan. The world needs more Dushku, and I’m the man who can make it happen. Also, more bikini/lingerie pics. Thx.