I’m Becoming My Wife

March 6, 2013 at 1:50 pm
Never had a chance.

Never had a chance.

You hear it all the time.  A couple stays together and depends on each other for so long that, eventually, they become the same person.  Maybe your parents are like this.  Perhaps your grandparents are an example, if you grew up in a broken home.  It’s not uncommon when one half of the couple passes away only to see the surviving half of the couple follow suit in the following months.

They say life is short.  I call b.s.  Life is long.  While it doesn’t hurt to take in and enjoy every day and the events involved therein, the strenuous nature of daily stresses, anxieties, and pressures can take a toll.  This is where your life partner comes in to play.  The hope is this person will be there for you to ease any pains and accept your shortcomings without prejudice.

I’ve been married for over 10 years now and couldn’t be more secure in my relationship, but something strange is happening-in short, I think I’m becoming my wife.  It’s not that I didn’t ever believe the theory that a couple can merge to become the same person, I guess I never thought it could happen to me.

The cause of this mental metamorphosis could be one of two things:  Either, 1.) I truly find myself seeing the wisdom in what she says and I’m inspired to be a better person (lol) or, 2.) I know what steams her so well that I’d rather just go along for the ride rather than hear her pop off (most likely).

Some examples:

In the past, the common disorder in our house didn’t really bother me.  If my daughters left out their toys I would turn a blind eye most of the time.  Because I’m becoming my wife, today, I am constantly reminding these human F5’s to clean up after themselves to the point of nagging.  It’s a preemptive strike before my wife (the big gun) unleashes shock and awe.

SCORE!!!! Wait, what?

SCORE!!!! Wait, what?

For many years, I have been hearing my wife’s sage financial planning advice.  That’s hearing, not listening.  Only recently have I actually applied what she’s been preaching. Let’s face it, she has a deeper experience in this area than I do and “the girls’ college educations won’t pay for themselves!”  My financial upbringing and experiences had always been more of a “paycheck to paycheck” philosophy.  Now, because I’m becoming my wife, I try to remain aware of how much I/we spend, what deals I can get, hell, I’ve even used a coupon on occasion and didn’t feel embarrassed to do so!  For the first time in my adult life I’m considering canceling my subscription to DirecTV because, “what we pay for isn’t worth it.” *shudder* LISTEN TO ME! SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE!

In the search for the perfect area rug for our soon-to-be-remodeled dining room, I took to the web and found an enormous sense of pride in finding exactly the rug we were searching for.  You read correctly, I was excited about finding an area rug online.  Before I became my wife there were plenty of other online activities that “excited” me more.

Also, because I’m becoming my wife, I hate giving blowjobs.

So, allow me to apologize in advance.  Because I’m becoming my wife, my decisions are based on common sense and practicality.  Virtually all risk has been eliminated from my life.  I’ll probably favor a glass of white wine over that beer because I, “just don’t like the taste of it.”  Salad for lunch? Well, if it helps add years to my life, you bet!

The gravity of estrogen contained within my abode is weighing me down severely and the funny thing is, I don’t think I would want it any other way.