Look At Me Workout!

April 30, 2013 at 9:53 am

I do Crossfit! Today I flipped a monster truck tire 375 times! I launched a beer keg 25 yards! Look at me workout! Fucking look at me!

I am in amazing shape! Can you do Burpees?! Fucking right you can’t! Let me show you! I’m not licensed, but I will train you! Together we will share with the world your transformation from worthless wagon of flesh to a glistening, rock hard Adonis!

I did Insanity today! It’s called Insanity because it is fucking insane! I got a free t-shirt for taking pictures of my half naked body! I earned this shit!

I will juice cleanse this week! I’m going to drink the shit out of some beets! And kale! I grow my vegetables myself! The soil in my garden is organic and lead free! I tested it! That’s right chief, organic dirt! Get on my level! My juice drink today looks like liquid magma! Maybe next week I’ll actually drink lava! That’s a great fucking idea! I will jot it down in my fitness journal!

A runner, perhaps.

A runner, perhaps.

I’m training for a marathon! I just ran 15 miles with a pace of 5:26 according to Nike+! You are not as fast as I am! I will shame you whenever the opportunity presents itself! After my marathon, I will display a 26.2 sticker on my car to show everyone I ran a fucking marathon! It will look perfect next to my stick figure family decal! Yes, I have a family! Of course I alienate them with my constant exercise!

You need to eat more protein! I eat chicken raw! It doesn’t get any fresher! First, I pound it flat using a kettlebell! You know what, I’ll send you my recipe for Kettlebell Chicken Tartare!

Let’s do yoga! I fucking love yoga! Namaste, mother fucker, we are going to stretch and breathe so hard!

I will stand naked in front of you in the locker room! I will engage you in awkward conversation! I got a great fucking pump from lifting today! You need to start taking some of the ‘stuff’ I take! You’ll get huge! I have a guy!

I just pooped a little blood!