Obama’s Soup

August 23, 2013 at 10:28 am

President Obama drove through Rochester yesterday to have lunch.  I wasn’t one of the hundreds of people who tracked his every move and speculated on where he could end up next.  I just watched.  From my desk.  On Twitter.

So much more fun, you guys.

I read and smiled at the reactions of local journalists, news organizations and citizens of the Park Avenue neighborhood where he dined on a grilled cheese and bowl of soup.

I repeat, the leader of the free world ate lunch in our city yesterday.  Soup and sandwich combo.  I can’t stress to you enough what a gigantic deal this was.

In my mind the hysteria surrounding the world’s biggest rock star visiting Upstate New York played out like a Hollywood screenplay.  Believe me when I tell you that my Barack Obama movie will slay at the box office.  That “Lincoln” bullshit? Zzzzzzz.  Witness my opening scene and tell me I’m wrong.

Obama’s Soup

A film by Mike Danger

Scene 1

Not ready for the big screen.

Not ready for the big screen.

Characters:

Barack: Samuel L. Jackson

Senator Charles Schumer: Himself

Mayor Tom Richards: Philip Seymour Hoffman (naturally)

Batman:  Ben Affleck

Rachel Barnhart:  Kate Upton

Restaurant Owner:  Anyone but Soccer Sam

Citizens 1-8:  Mumford & Sons

(Fade from black: Image of a cavalcade of vehicles led by Ground Force One-The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.  Camera zooms in to the inside of the cab where Barack and Senator Schumer, through a thick haze of smoke, are discussing the next stop on their road trip.)

Schumer: (coughing/wheezing) Well, Buffalo kind of sucks doesn’t it? (Uproarious laughter…)

Barack: (taking a drag from an unfiltered cigarette) You ain’t shittin’, Chuck.  Christ on a cross, even the wood has rust.  Where we headed to next?

(Schumer’s phone vibrates.  It’s Mayor Richards.)

Schumer: (Answering phone, to Barack) Goddammit.  I gotta take this. (Flipping open his Motorolla Star-Tac) Tom! How ya been!?!

(Split screen with Mayor Richards stranded with a flat tire on the corner of Clinton and Avenue D.)

Especially handy in shutting down Main Streets.

Especially handy in shutting down Main Streets.

Richards: How’ve I been? HOW’VE I BEEN?! Well, Senator where should I start? Everybody’s losing their job here, there’s daily shootings downtown, our beach smells like raw sewage from a third world country and everyone who lives here thinks we’re superior to every other city in the state because a bunch of privileged asshole pro golfers came through and a stuntman wearing Spider Man pajamas took over downtown for two weeks to film a movie.  Now I get word that Barack’s making the rounds and somehow we got snubbed?! DID I MENTION WE HAD SPIDER MAN HERE FOR TWO WEEKS!?

Batman:  I’m Batman.

Richards:  I mean, for the love of Ganesh, we’re so insecure about ourselves in Rochester already (tears welling up) the least you guys can do is swing through for…a….Garbage Plate?

Barack: (snatching phone) Bitch, I’m sober! And you know what Michelle would do to me if I ate that shit? Now, I can put up with a lot of motherfucking bullshit, but an empty honey pot is NOT ONE OF THEM! Try again, motherfucker.  We rollin’. (Throws phone to Chuck)

Richards:  Barnhart. (continuing to sob) What if I get you some face time with Barnhart?

Schumer: (licking lips) Oh.  Yes.  Well…I guess we’ll be through for lunch then.

(Schumer dream sequence to a dimly lit news room where Rachel Barnhart played by Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton is licking a quick to melt ice cream waffle cone while effortlessly tweeting using only her mind.)

Barack:  (bitch-slaps Senator Schumer) Motherfucka focus!  You know you’ll pass right by this shit if you ain’t payin’ attention!

Looking for Obama or in line to play "Hipster or Homeless?"

Looking for Obama or in line to play “Hipster or Homeless?”

(Weinermobile pulls up to restaurant where a cross section of presumably educated citizens who look kind of homeless wait to dine with President Obama.  Emerging from the group is the Restaurant Owner.)

Restaurant Owner: (in a stereotypical Italian American accent) AYE, WOULDA YOU LOOKA HEE-YA! ITZA DA PREZIDANT! MYA GOD-AH. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME GABBA GOO OR A GOOCHI GOO OR A PASTA FAZOO ZOO?

Barack: ………….

/scene

I’d like to thank The Academy…