President Obama drove through Rochester yesterday to have lunch. I wasn’t one of the hundreds of people who tracked his every move and speculated on where he could end up next. I just watched. From my desk. On Twitter.
So much more fun, you guys.
I read and smiled at the reactions of local journalists, news organizations and citizens of the Park Avenue neighborhood where he dined on a grilled cheese and bowl of soup.
I repeat, the leader of the free world ate lunch in our city yesterday. Soup and sandwich combo. I can’t stress to you enough what a gigantic deal this was.
In my mind the hysteria surrounding the world’s biggest rock star visiting Upstate New York played out like a Hollywood screenplay. Believe me when I tell you that my Barack Obama movie will slay at the box office. That “Lincoln” bullshit? Zzzzzzz. Witness my opening scene and tell me I’m wrong.
A film by Mike Danger
Barack: Samuel L. Jackson
Senator Charles Schumer: Himself
Mayor Tom Richards: Philip Seymour Hoffman (naturally)
Batman: Ben Affleck
Rachel Barnhart: Kate Upton
Restaurant Owner: Anyone but Soccer Sam
Citizens 1-8: Mumford & Sons
(Fade from black: Image of a cavalcade of vehicles led by Ground Force One-The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. Camera zooms in to the inside of the cab where Barack and Senator Schumer, through a thick haze of smoke, are discussing the next stop on their road trip.)
Schumer: (coughing/wheezing) Well, Buffalo kind of sucks doesn’t it? (Uproarious laughter…)
Barack: (taking a drag from an unfiltered cigarette) You ain’t shittin’, Chuck. Christ on a cross, even the wood has rust. Where we headed to next?
(Schumer’s phone vibrates. It’s Mayor Richards.)
Schumer: (Answering phone, to Barack) Goddammit. I gotta take this. (Flipping open his Motorolla Star-Tac) Tom! How ya been!?!
(Split screen with Mayor Richards stranded with a flat tire on the corner of Clinton and Avenue D.)
Richards: How’ve I been? HOW’VE I BEEN?! Well, Senator where should I start? Everybody’s losing their job here, there’s daily shootings downtown, our beach smells like raw sewage from a third world country and everyone who lives here thinks we’re superior to every other city in the state because a bunch of privileged asshole pro golfers came through and a stuntman wearing Spider Man pajamas took over downtown for two weeks to film a movie. Now I get word that Barack’s making the rounds and somehow we got snubbed?! DID I MENTION WE HAD SPIDER MAN HERE FOR TWO WEEKS!?
Batman: I’m Batman.
Richards: I mean, for the love of Ganesh, we’re so insecure about ourselves in Rochester already (tears welling up) the least you guys can do is swing through for…a….Garbage Plate?
Barack: (snatching phone) Bitch, I’m sober! And you know what Michelle would do to me if I ate that shit? Now, I can put up with a lot of motherfucking bullshit, but an empty honey pot is NOT ONE OF THEM! Try again, motherfucker. We rollin’. (Throws phone to Chuck)
Richards: Barnhart. (continuing to sob) What if I get you some face time with Barnhart?
Schumer: (licking lips) Oh. Yes. Well…I guess we’ll be through for lunch then.
(Schumer dream sequence to a dimly lit news room where Rachel Barnhart played by Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton is licking a quick to melt ice cream waffle cone while effortlessly tweeting using only her mind.)
Barack: (bitch-slaps Senator Schumer) Motherfucka focus! You know you’ll pass right by this shit if you ain’t payin’ attention!
(Weinermobile pulls up to restaurant where a cross section of presumably educated citizens who look kind of homeless wait to dine with President Obama. Emerging from the group is the Restaurant Owner.)
Restaurant Owner: (in a stereotypical Italian American accent) AYE, WOULDA YOU LOOKA HEE-YA! ITZA DA PREZIDANT! MYA GOD-AH. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME GABBA GOO OR A GOOCHI GOO OR A PASTA FAZOO ZOO?
I’d like to thank The Academy…