I hope you had an enjoyable holiday season. During my time off I had the chance to lounge in my heavily fortified basement within the walls of Chateau Dangeroux and do something I rarely have the chance to do…watch television in real time.
Full disclosure, I don’t have a DVR or Tivo. Many of you have these luxuries and have no idea what you are missing when you fast forward through the ads. For instance, were you aware of the enormous ear wax problem we have in America? Thanks to the commercial for this revolutionary, dare I say, “game changing” product, you can rest easy knowing the tyranny of cotton swabs is near its end:
My Lord. I dismissed this as a joke at first, but this commercial was on CONSTANTLY over the holidays. Just what your loved one wants to see wrapped under the tree. “Merry Christmas! YOUR EARS ARE LITTERED WITH DEBRIS!”
Hanging low from the tree and ripe for a deconstruction, let’s review some of the highlights of this gem:
:06-I’m sorry, but the funniest scene features this poor sap screaming in pain after, apparently (hard to tell, he’s a fine actor), jamming the cotton swab too far into his ear canal. I can’t help but feel sorry for a person who must have been napping during the portion of life where you’re told to stop pushing things into your ear once you feel resistance.
:15-WHAT A DIFFERENCE THE WAX VAC MAKES! Just witness all of the smiling faces (including our hero) using this cheap, battery powered, piece of shit!
:30-“Wax Vac is quiet! Listen!” *crickets* I’m sorry, were you saying something? I forget what I’m watching quickly when she appears in the spot.
:39- “See how gently it vacs water and dirt.” MY GOD WHAT KIND OF DAY ARE YOU HAVING WHERE YOU END UP WITH BITS OF CRACK COCAINE IN YOUR EAR?
:42-NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH, “You just empty it out when you’re done!” Exactly how much ear wax can one person have? Seeing what looks to be about a full tablespoon of liquid ear wax poured down a sink drain is just utterly disgusting. Equally disheartening is the fact that our quiet female superstar is shown happily using the Wax Vac last prior to disposal. Hard to imagine.
:49-Know thine enemy: The doctor leading the anti-cotton-swab-charge. Imagine his waiting room-just a hideous crew of mongoloids with pus dripping from their swollen, cauliflower ears and Q-Tips sticking out of every orifice. I’d guess the Ackerman Family Practice is somewhere in the state of West Virginia, but I can’t be certain.
1:00-Wax Vac knows their audience, I’ll give them that. It’s at this point they make the call to the bullpen to bring in their closer. If you didn’t believe how much easier your life could be without those pesky swabs ruining everything, here’s their strongest pitch. “WAX VAC SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT SOLUTION!” Well, duh! If the wise older woman in the terry cloth robe tells me to buy a Wax Vac, how can I not? Strong performance, by the way. Convincing. Was Dame Judi Dench not available the day of taping?
1:05-Wax Vac is now crushing fantasies. Our quiet, vivacious female lead is seen here, fully clothed (sigh), and alongside some excess baggage. As if her excessive liquid ear wax wasn’t a big enough turn off.
1:09-Fully recovered from his inner ear injury, our hero returns to proclaim, “What a great idea! Wax Vac just makes sense!” Another line in the script delivered with complete and genuine authenticity and competence. You’ve sold me, Wax Vac. Curiosity is getting the best of me and I have to know if your product is as atrocious as your commercial (he typed on a frigid winter night with his fingers free of any obstacles thanks to his warm and cozy Snuggie).
1:11-“Stop using other ear cleaners that don’t work!” Ear cleaners like what, voodoo? So many questions here: Are these two an item? If so, is she aware that her man is a dildo who continuously rams sticks into his cerebellum? What’s with the candle? Does he have some kind of inner ear fetish? Are you setting him on fire? Can I help? Are live chickens being prepared for sacrifice in the other room? Is your kid asleep? How does he feel about you lighting men (perhaps his father, even) ablaze?
1:36-Wax Vac comes with 8 silicone plated tips for every member of the family and a cleaning brush for only $10! I’d like to set a new standard for punishment in my household. “Clean your room or clean the Wax Vac. Your choice, angel.” Wax Vac has the potential to do so much more than just keep my family’s ears clean. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! The generous folks at Wax Vac are doubling their offer?!?!? 16 silicone tips?! SIXTEEN? For less than a trip to Chipotle for an over priced burrito and a drink? I’m cleaning the shit out of some ears tonight!
We, as a society, have been in the dark ages for far too long. My brothers and sisters, join me. Together we can live in a wax and pain free remarkably quiet utopia rid of our most evil adversary. We will not be oppressed by your swabs of soft, delicate cotton anymore! Let us unite, armed with a variety of delightfully colorful silicon plated tips on our Wax Vacs to take back America one disgustingly filthy ear at a time!
Where do I drop this mic? I couldn’t hear you.